2025-01-21
(08:51)
starting the new semester seems like a good time to
restart the journal for the, what, 4th time now?
i swear i promise this time it wont be so negative
RSS
probaby never on
candys journal
basically the "hidden" vent section ive seen the webtracker nobody looks at this page
2025-01-14
(09:16)
uhhhmg therapy day again
(00:00)
everything is terriblr
2025-01-10
(20:27)
wtf my mom gave my dad a gold star for their cooking
like actually a sticker
(21:28)
you know what screw it SCREW it im just going to ask them
either they ask someone else or they hate me forever but
i cant take this anymore
(23:14)
ok so things are starting to look up i actually got a
commision on tumbr!! somehow!! and hopefully the
situation will FINALLY, finally, be over, one way or another.
2025-01-08
(20:05)
got a tarot deck
(00:38)
still no response
i really really wish they would just *tell me* if this whole thing is over or not
ive been worrying about this for over six weeks and
now i mightve also lost two friends for real this time on top of that i just
i want to know if its over or not this is seriously getting to me
its making it hard to sleep
2025-01-07
(21:52)
guess what moron forgot to git pull before
filling in a thing for yesterdays article and
causing a pull conflict i love this :DDXDDDDD
(22:16)
umm bench havent responded at all today
so like i asked bench to ask the mods if i could dm and they
suddenly dropped all comms like yesterday
crap
crapcrapcrap did i force away someone else
did they read the last entry im sorry-
2025-01-06
(00:03)
well i spent all day cloning my computer hard drive
to the new nvme and that was exhausting
also cuz this isnt going to be cloned (im writing after)
im gonna have to do like the only git pull this repo will ever see
so thats cool ig
also still no fking response
at this point im just going to ask bench to ask a diff mod
or something bc if they havent responded in a WEEK then..
2025-01-05
(18:27)
hi again, sorry i havent updated in a bit
to the like 2 of you who actually read this
ive been feeling a bit crushed bc of like
they still havent responded and im starting to
like panic and ive barely worked on anything in the
last couple days besides like 1 drawing and
a couple new oddish news pages bc i have to keep
something up to not fall further and stuff
im writing this more to force myself to do something
2025-01-02
(18:16)
just noticed i forgot to push yesterdays entry in, oops
still waiting for them to respond and again the SUSPENSE
2025-01-01
(18:52)
well, welcome to 2025!
i sent out the response but im still waiting as of now
the suspense is killing me..
i also wasted a lot of today playing balatro
im gonna try to throw together a comic page before midnight
2024-12-31
(10:43)
well i got the ssd for channukah yesterday
but its the wrong type since apparently this computer
uses nvme and not sata so thats great
at least i could maybe use it as a backup drive?
also i got accepted into another webring if you couldnt
tell from me tacking it onto the homepage :P
(01:15)
boy am i very tired from new years stuff
2025 already, isnt that wild
well i had to go to a waiting room for 4 hours, then
a hockey game (we won), then a house party then back home
i tried to talk to people during the party and stuff but
it as you oculd guess it didnt go super well
hopefully this is the last time ill have trouble sleeping from
guilt too so thats cool and stuff
also happy new year to you whoevers reading this :D
2024-12-30
(18:54)
well i wrote out my apology and sent it to turtlehat
so i have someone make sure im not too emotional in it
and stuff and oh god oh god i hope it works
(21:31)
well my brother came to get me to buy food literally mid
writing the last entry and ive been driving around bc im
an idiot and couldnt find the bag of cheezits also i almost
lost my wallet so thats fffffunnnnn
(22:21)
oh yea my parents are home now and apparently we have to go
wait somewhere for like 4 hours before the game so thats..
at least ill have my computer but idk if ill update here much
also ill send the apology on jan 1 instead
2024-12-29
(21:48)
rc car.... yay...
2024-12-28
(06:07)
last 4 days or so!! i can do this
just reading thru melonforum stuff bc ive been avoiding it rn
(13:07)
yep here comes the passing out
(20:30)
i think im going thru a depression ive barely left my
bed the last couple days and the brainfog is heavier and
im starting to get scared of drawing and idk
im scared
(00:51)
cant sleep
2024-12-27
(15:19)
who knew going to bed at 2 in the morning causes you to
wake up late??
ok well not technically late but i passed out like 3 times
after waking up so yea
also the thing moosky is making is going pretty well
(15:37)
forgot to add, my friend turtlehatdev (who did a couple comic pages here :D)
got to do a voiceacting role for a youtube vid!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CoI5Nvtc64U
(21:52)
i guess we're doing a late channukah parents still
havent called yet..
(22:36)
3ds battery that doesnt fit, yay
(05:28)
well i couldnt sleep again so time to take
20 naps againnn yayyy
2024-12-26
(12:45)
well i woke up to it hailing
thats fun
(17:27)
well moosky is doing a 3d anim of my chars so thats realy cool :D
(20:33)
me and moosky spent like 3 hours fleshing out our chars lore :D
hes so cool!! ^^
(21:11)
i got a polaroid for the second night which is pretty cool
idk what to use it for tho
(23:45)
wait i forgot to push yesterdays entry didnt i???
dang it ill do it when i make tomorrows comic page..
(00:10)
goddang it my brother woke me up and made me
clean up dog pee i really dont like our dogs
(00:44)
my sleep schedule noooo
2024-12-25
(9:42)
who knew going to bed earlier made you feel better
anyways christmas!!! i havent gotten my present yet but
its probably good!
(14:04)
well i got a headphones and a stress toy thingy
we still have 7 more nights to go tho so im excited
also the "9th day gift" of sending the appeal which
ill finally be free of this guilt ive felt over the last month
i really really really hope they accept it
and now my parents are going out again which again kinda sucs,,
(15:56)
i spent the last hour debugging those headphones
turns out the cable wasnt plugged in fully
yipeeeeeeeee
(16:29)
god i hope im not past being able to be forgiven by them
(17:40)
wel;l bench made a server 2 weeks ago
they said no for NOW but t thats also like maybe a way to maybe
show people that ive changed and stuff and that im worthy of
maybe getting another chance im SORRY im SORRY IM SORRY
(18:02)
i really hope i can get like in a friendgroup in this community
or something idk i wish i had like more interaction and like
a group to bounce stories off in our blogs or something but
it feels so impossible and asking the people who do have it
just leads to hurting them i just want to be like i just want
to matter to like a group or something and be part of a group
and stuff i dont knowwwwww
am i doing this right?? am i just never going to get there?
forcing it doesnt work but waiting feels like just giving up
[snip]
but if i really want this i have to be patient and NOT force it
just stay calm and actually really respect people and ill
maybe get the chance to do collab stuff maybe after enough time
i hope
(18:44)
i really hope they are still willing to accept me i really do
(19:17)
why are social interactions so hard aaaaaa
2024-12-24
(14:43)
well, as expected, i slept in way too hard
nothing particularly happened i just passed out a bunch
(17:13)
telling my brother about bueg fabls was one of the
worst mistakes of my life
(21:32)
moosky is so nice to me omg
(00:01)
OFFICIALLY LAST WEEK AAAA
2024-12-23
(20:38)
another very eh day
did some more writing i guess
and also i finally actually did the photography
volunteer thing i signed up for a few weeks ago
that was fun i guess
(00:08)
oh man oh man the last week is coming
i can finally send my appeal in a week
(00:57)
yep i still cant sleep :(
(05:43)
had such a bad nightmare i dont want to go back to sleep
so... im here now hi
im dumping this in yesterdays entry bc its way too short.
2024-12-22
(16:03)
well i played tf2 with moosky
we both kinda sucked ^^
(17:20)
gaaahhhh i need to wait until january to appeal
i need to show i have patience now
(18:30)
well we had pizza again
(22:42)
im finally starting to get real momentum i feel like in the
writing stuff!!
2024-12-21
(14:06)
well i woke up to a bunch of anons defending me in my inbox
which was unexpected for sure
idk tho i still feel like im kinda in the wrong for like
trying to force interaction again
but at least i learned my lesson and this time it was just
sending out a few asks rather than um what happened last time
but im improving!!! somewhat!!!!!!
(23:52)
yk what i feel kinda proud of what ive done in this space
sure its not as great as what theyre doing and stuff but
i probably needed that time away from them to stop focusing
on what they were doing so heavily and just freaking do my
own thing!! and i really hope they do end up forgiving me
in the end. i really really do. ive been worrying about it
for almost a month now.
(00:07)
oh man my sleep schedule is cooked no wonder im always tired
2024-12-20
(13:03)
hek yea i just bought a mothroach plush
(13:46)
HOLLYYYY SHIT NEW TF2 COMIC DROP IT WAS AMAZING
(17:50)
maybe im too negative sometimes
sorry to anyone whos still reading after the disaster of this month
and the last
(18:00)
you know what
its ok im not making much progress on the site
its ok im not doing much on the blog right now
it takes time
2024-12-19
(18:15)
been in a bit of a social slump lately
barely checked discord/tumbr or the melonland forum
at least moosky and turtle are nice to talk to
and i really hope the server guys will want to talk again
also i set up my raspberry pis again and they are cool servers :D
(18:22)
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it before
parents are back but they have to go out again on christmas/channukah
tho this time theyll be back before channukahs over..
ig they have a lot of stuff to bring from my grandmas house
(19:21)
man screw this im not in the right headspace to make another comic
i dont even care if i skipped twice im drowning
(20:36)
god d a m n it why do i care so much about a stupid tubr event
im thrwoing shit at the wall and i feel terrible about it
(21:31)
okok ive calmed down a bit
im not terrible im not terrible im not terrible
as long as im not inflicting other people with it
its fine im fine
thats why i keep this blog i guess now just to dump all
my terrible thoughts instead f inflicting it on other people
(21:34)
ok so the whole problem stems from wanting to be involved
with the collaborative stuff my friends are doing
(yes bench is my friend again they forgave me and refriended)
and also feeling like im unable to do that because of all the
failures in the past so i try to reach out for help to do that
in a frantic stupid terrible ourobouros that just hurts people
but so as long as i just ignore that feeling long enough i can
maybe do something cool with them
its almost paradoxical, huh.. to do the stuff i want to i have
to give up on doing the things now and stop letting it weigh on
my mind.. yk what at least i handled it better this time i didnt
try to reach out im STILL WAITING FOR JANUARY because i really
want to show that ive changed and this time yk this time i just
calmed down offline mostly and screamed into the void (blog)
so hopefully this doesnt mean that im making no progress hopefully
i DONT WANT TO HURT THEM AGAIN NOT AGAIN THATS NOT WHAT A FRIEND DOES
frik im going to go play some balatro to get my mind off this
(22:05)
well i won the balatro game
feeling a bit better
tho again i really hope the server accepts me again
(22:14)
maybe i cant always have a ton of interaction every day
"sometimes you need the bad moments to make the good ones better"
(23:00)
ok im deleting a bunch from the 20:36 entry and going to bed
2024-12-18
(14:11)
tired
(19:11)
well i tried to play some hl2 coop with moosky
turns out that the linux version is really bugged
and crashes a LOT
we might play l4d or something later tho which will be nice
2024-12-17
(15:29)
i feel really unmotivated lately to draw stuff
sorry for missing yesterdays comic post
(22:44)
i hope the server guys are doing ok
2024-12-16
crepes
i got a 70 on my math final
im REALLY REALLY hoping its just the graders being stingy again
because otherwise my parents will literally kill me
2024-12-15
(15:06)
oh i forgot to update this
i was up reallllyyy late yesterday
also they did NOT reach out to me which
i kinda expected but oh well
i hope i can redeem myself in their eyes
i hope
im sorry
(23:14)
also i didnt go out to dinner tonight
maybe tomorrow hopefully
2024-12-14
(12:45)
BIRTHDAY!!!
parents called in the middle of me drawing and
"gave" me my gifts (they left it in the office)
i got a raspi5 and a cool portable monitor :DD
(14:11)
ok so my sister also invited me to go out to a game with them :D
great day!!
(23:00)
we're doing dinner tomorrow instead
also our team won so yey
2024-12-13
(12:06)
wow, two full days without drawing or being negative on here?
what am i becoming /j
oh i forgot to talk about it earlier but
i joined another webring, a goofy one my friend is running
called the "silly ring" (you can see the badge on the homepage)
obviously once i reorganize the site i'll put it somewhere else..
then again most of the other ones are hardcoded to /comic..
well thats a problem for future me :)
(14:21)
just found out my balatro save was wiped :(
(14:53)
this is a pretty weird year for my bday because
in almost every other year its overlapped with channukah
also parents not being there and not my sister either
soo yeah hope it goes well
(15:01)
ok yk what im going to put the site redesign on hold "officially"
until i get these drawings done
(16:50)
got my secret santa drawing done after 3 weeks of procastination
(20:35)
i kinda hope the redux server thinks to maybe reach out for my
birthday it would be nice but im not getting my hopes up..
(21:46)
well due to massive indecision between me and my brother
we are just now ordering wings yes at almost 10 at night
at least i get my lemon pepper wings :D
(22:59)
stuffed right before i havto go to bed
its gonna be hard to sleep again
(23:05)
screw it im just gonna play my 3ds until it hits midnight
like last years birthday
(00:01)
YIPEE BDAY TIME!!
2024-12-12
(12:51)
new entry to my favorite arg just dropped
todays a good day :)
(13:34)
just realized i didnt do any new drawings yesterday oops..
(14:57)
ok i found the gimmick i wanna recreate
it looks so cool!!
(19:38)
one plus about just me and my brother being home is a lot of
takeout (even if i have to go pick it up..) pizza night!!
2024-12-11
(12:49)
starting to feel more comfortable in pkrl somewhat
trying to let go of my fear more
the community is nice..
(16:59)
well the city emailed back about the volunteer thing
no idea if i got it but fingers crossed
(22:08)
wow ok wow :D
my sister came over and gave me and my brother a bday bunt cake!!
and we got to have a full family meal for the first time in a
while (+ her boyfriend who is awesome and also a cowboy)
also parents are going out early tomorrow so its just
me and my brother for a week.. i hope hes not too annoying.
anyways pretty cool day
2024-12-10
(12:11)
got back from therapists and instantly passed out :P
if that doesnt show my sleep schedule is broked..
(14:49)
trying not to worryyyyy
(17:55)
it is so cold out rn
my hands are shaking pretty bad
(18:54)
maybe my issue is trying to force myself into stuff i want
and being jealous of people who do have that
and wanting to get that quickly as a twisted way to
stop the feeling of being left out quickly
and that i should just try to take things slow
maybe being forced out of that server was a sign to
build patience and stuff and that i need to wait a
substantial amount of time before trying
it will hurt but this time i will change
and wont hurt them again
i wont
(19:29)
went to volunteer for some random photography thing
in my city cuz parents forcing me to do something this break
(20:00)
oh yea i guess i didnt mention it here yet
my parents arent going to be around for my birthday..
i understand why but it still does suck a bit
im hoping i can get a college friend to do something w/ me
2024-12-09
(12:47)
i want to change the layout of my site but cant find
a layout idea i like.. but im going to keep working at it
(16:51)
finished my drawing for them.. ended up just doing a l4d2 "poster"
ill dump it into the gallery too if you want to see it
we're going out to some fancy restaurant too in like 10 minutes
printing out the drawing and throwing this update in real quick
(19:45)
dinner itself was good
brother kept trying to embarrass me again like yesterday
IN FRONT OF PARENTS which SUCKED and I WISH HE WOULD STOP
also my sister wasnt there nobody ended up inviting them
bc of how last minute the dinner was apparently
he left for the store before i could give him his drawing
(20:14)
he liked the drawing!!
(22:53)
finally starting to calm down from the server disaster
im a bit more confident i can really truly change
and i hope i can get another chance maybe
also ill try to work on the website more tomorrow..
2024-12-08
(18:14)
holy piss i just noticed the "12 people on 12/6" stat
who is this interested in my site??
also im honestly surprised i forgot i put up a working rss
feed, i assumed it was broken like the comic rss feed
to be fair that feed is useful to notify when i change stuff
bc (at least on my side) it re-notifies me every time i push
changes so who knows and hello to the rss readers??
if there are any?? also if its the server, again hi and im sorry
well uh the day was wasted trying to reflash my 3ds
something broke really hardd
im well on my way to getting back to pokemon black tho
(00:12)
yes its technically tomorrow but im seperating these based
on when i sleep instead of actual days and stuff :)
anyways yes its the 9th now which means its my brothers bday
and yes i know his is 5 days before mine..
i dont know what to draw him bc most of the games he likes are
like the modern shooters with gruff army guys and thats like
the opposite of what i draw
i tried asking him and just got teased about buge fabls again
which was COOL and DIDNT make me want to HIT HIM
also again with the weird goatcounter numbers
WHY DID 4 PEOPLE RANDOMLY DECIDE TO READ NOV 10'TH COMIC
IN THE LAST *HOUR*?? It's even WEIRDER because ALL OF THE
VIEWS SAY THEYRE REFFERED FROM MELONKING WHICH IS CLOSED RN
NOT EVEN THE FORUM WHICH MIGHT MAKE A BIT OF SENSE
the ONLY thing i can think of is someone went to the
flood ring info page, went to my site for some reason, and
showed a random comic page to their friends which like
WHO WOULD DO THAT???
also holy hell who is the one person finding my hidden writings
and again why/how is the refferer melonking.net?? there is NO
possible way for someone to find them there is no link anywhere
its also kinda funny how im starting to maybe attract ppl from the
pkrl space with the neoskitties stuff since that page is getting
more viewers... maybe i should put actual effort into it.
maybe at some point who knows??? maybe once the server stuff is fixed which again im sorry abt
also again with this page suddenly becoming the most visited
aside from the index is slightly weird and makes me wonder
whos actually reading this and/or if its just rss feeds
inflating the number but who knows???
oh yea wait before i leave i should probably give a slight
update on how im going to be doing the journal
im gonna be writing it throughout the day like i did here
and push it the next day
so each days entries will be up the next day
anyway gn ill push this tomrw along with an update to the
gallery page..
2024-12-07
im still feeling guilty but im trying to move
past it and im trying to legitimately improve
ill maybe try to appeal in a month or so or when
i actually become a better person.. i hope they give
me another chance but i get if they dont
ive been trying to keep up on my blogs
i couldnt post much today because of the aforementioned
SATURDAY TEST but ill post more tomorrow.
at least my semester is officially ovvverr!!
im kinda worried about my relationship w/ bench bc like
after they refriended me after the apology the conversations
have been like really stilted and im running out of things to
talk about and stuff it feels like theyre just tolerating me
talking to them idk i hope i can figure out how to talk to people
like a normal person and stuff
also the sudden spike in people checking this page is
a bit worrying, like a fourth of the visits on my site
have been on this page... redux server is that you??
2024-12-05
i think/hope that bench doesnt find me annoying
uh so its almost the end of the semester which is nice
and im going to have to find some excuse of a thing to do
so my parents dont complain about me "doing nothing" for
a month which isnt nice
struggling to keep up with my personal projects
(the comic and working on new stuff for this site)
so idk id do pretty bad at a job
that last final is still looming though
2024-12-04
well things are finally going the other way with that group
they uh found the apology
hopefully i never hurt them again
anyways ig ill talk about my real life bc i swear
i have one outside of being online
finals week! i have one test down, getting a 51/50 on my
compsci test.. and one to go, which is on a saturday, WHY?!
2024-12-01
ok im not ok im still in pain
how do you deal with guilt
or like how do u fix relationship with someone
please i dont want to be hated please please
im sorry how do i fix this please
2024-11-30
I feel like I should write something less intense after that
so I guess I'll double dip and talk about the trip..
Honestly, it was pretty short. We didn't get to do too much..
It was planned out so that we avoided the massive rush of
Monday and Sunday, instead choosing the day before and after
Thanksgiving to take advantage of the lower yield. Pretty clever,
but again it didn't leave much time to hang out with family.
I did get to play tennis though, which was fun until my
cousin chased and hit me with a racket repeatedly.
Also, we watched some movies. My mom hates The princess Bride
for some reason, but my uncles were clever and put it on
before we came to the house so I got to watch some :)
The cooking was fantastic, a lot of my family are really good
chefs, and I'm sad we couldn't take most of it on the plane.
Also, we tried to do some black friday shopping but ended up
not really buying a lot. Overall, pretty alright trip.
2024-11-30/apology
Today's only the 30th by technicality, it
just hit midnight 5 minutes ago. Still, I'm leaving it
because it looks nicer.
So.
I fucked up bad with that group.
I'm writing my apology here in the extremely rare chance that
one of them happens to check my site.
Also, I've had some time to think about it, both literally
being banned indefinitely and having very little computer
access until just now because of thanksgiving travel.
Maybe writing out an actual apology will help some,
even if they never end up seeing it.
godamnit im stalling
Bench, I'm sorry for continuing to beg for help and
not understanding the boundaries you set. I was getting
too emotional and scared about the new stuff, but I shouldn't
have expected you to hold my hand through it. I'll continue
to try writing and maybe it'll go somewhere. I just need to
give it time and stop letting my anxiety about it force me
to push boundaries too hard. I'm sorry for mistreating you,
and if you ever do end up letting me back I promise I will
be a better person and actively push myself to not repeat it
again. I'm sorry.
Allistor, I'm sorry for the message spam after what happened
Again, I was too emotional, but I should've just stepped back
and not done it.
To everyone else, I promise I will try to change and be a less
annoying person who pushes too hard sometimes.
2024-11-27
it got worse
it got so much worse
everyone hates me
banned
fuck my fucking life why cant i just be normal
2024-11-26
flying out to washington tomorrow for thanksgiving
also the guys seemed to be a little mad but i swear
ill get better
2024-11-24
well the week timeout on one of the servers is up tomorrow
i hope they dont hate me too much...
the other one is still out but im trying to ask the
admin to reduce it from a week and a half to just a week
theyre ignoring me but that technically means its not impossible
and again if *you* are reading this
im sorry ok
2024-11-22
I hope the community still accepts me..
i hope i can like be more integral with it
and not just be like someones little brother kinda lurking around
2024-11-21
man i hate my parents sometimes
"oh just get a friend in every class you
should have at least one friend in every class"
like i can just snap my fingers and get someone to
like me?? like god im amazed i even got one friend
and that was basically by accident and we still barely
talk outside class and im worried its going to fall through
again and if you havent noticed im terrible with all relationships
the stupid putting myself down is probably just like a
idk a defense mechanism because im scared of making
something "bad" because i look up to so many people and
so many other guys have such incredible stuff
(art, websites, writing, pkrl) and it feels terrible to me
because theres no way that i could do that without building
up to it and that practice feels so indirect and like im making
no progress and just desperately trying to chase someone else
and not being able to get there before losing steam and feeling
ashamed because i failed at it and idk IDK i really want to do
cool stuff too and be in a group without worrying if they like me
2024-11-20
feeling completely aimless and demotivated today
still trying to emotionally recover from..that
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"
a couple days ago
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding
it deep in the site again..
2024-11-18
how do you human without hurting people
how do you even
stabs of
how do you
its always either nothing or everything
inert lack of doing fucking anything
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt
i just
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry
why cant i
i just want to
i need to
how do you
im sorry im so sorry i
th
i cANT EVER
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER
th
im sorry im
its not
the
im scared
im scared im just an asshole who just
god im sorry
i just
i just
wanted
to be
included
i just
i know youll probably never read this
but
but the truth is
i really find your work inspiring
and like all the converging story stuff
and i wanted to do that stuff too
and im sorry
and i know youll never read this ever
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who
cant listen to a god damn single thing
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries
and maybe i am
and maybe you never want to see me again
but im sorry
im sorry
im sorryyy
2024-11-16
the fear of being a newbie
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything
its not being able to feel proud of my work
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid
stuff and it feels terrible and
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just
write, or like draw, or whatever
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs
but like not in a stealing way
2024-11-14
doing it scared why cant i do it scared
whyyyyyyyyy
and the planning is just making me more stressed
why is my brain like this help
how do i just go
i cant im just being cringy im just
this whole thing will be a disaster
2024-11-13
creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox
games and a little bit webdevelopment?
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel
like i have to make something of value but cant
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry
2024-11-12
Did you know that often, "deleting" something
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten
with data anyways?
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become
more repressed and stuff...like me...
theres something there, ok?
2024-11-11
Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my
watches date display turned into a table
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt
2024-11-10
art as the reflection of yourself
yes i know thats a generic title but idk
i really want to express myself here
thoughts are hard to make clear
i feel like this site really isnt me
idk how to express it more
2024-11-10
inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff
not being able to see everything is frustrating though
i want people to like my site
whats the point of putting time into something but
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays
2024-11-09
I'm finally commiting to things!
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel
more willing to work on the website some
2024-11-07
i feel like every single problem i've ever
had in the creative space can be boiled down
into this image:
like, if i could just shut the frick up and
"do it scared" i could get something done but
i just have to try and force someone "successful"
to help when i feel like im failing and
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am
2024-11-07
its really cool seeing such a wide range of
states that people visit from, even if i never
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool
2024-11-04
back here again, i guess
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again
or people would forget me
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500
entries" i dont know what to do
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything
happens here
2024-09-30
Wow, a whole month before I tore down the
journal page again!! cool, huh??
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"
i left the last article so i have something
to reference to copy this properly
these journals keep getting either
too negative or fall into disuse because
my life is incredibly boring besides like
talking about what i did online which would
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again
i really wish i could either be normal and not
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel
justified in being so interested and like be able to
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it
2024-09-26
hey, im back its been a while
still dealing with stuff and college
idk how im feeling really
