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feeling completely aimless and demotivated today
still trying to emotionally recover from..that
tried to work on the site a little but couldnt find it in me
and i probably cant do the big hsol styled remake without
having a working copy because WINE BROKE IT THANKS
also i havent drawn anything since that one "commision"
a couple days ago
maybe i should try writing random short stories and hiding
it deep in the site again..
how do you human without hurting people
how do you even
stabs of
how do you
its always either nothing or everything
inert lack of doing fucking anything
or trying so hard i fuck everything up every single fucking
this is the worst i cant i cant i cantt
i just
jfeff im sorry im sorry im sorry
why cant i
i just want to
i need to
how do you
im sorry im so sorry i
th
i cANT EVER
FRIENDS ARE IMPOSSIBLE
ITS ALWAYS EITHER NOTHING HAPPENS
OR I PUSH TOO HARD AND SHATTER EVERY CHANCE EVER
th
im sorry im
its not
the
im scared
im scared im just an asshole who just
god im sorry
i just
i just
wanted
to be
included
i just
i know youll probably never read this
but
but the truth is
i really find your work inspiring
and like all the converging story stuff
and i wanted to do that stuff too
and im sorry
and i know youll never read this ever
you probably dont know this stupid site even exists
and you probably just see me as some asswipe who
cant listen to a god damn single thing
and follow evven the most basic of social boundaries
and maybe i am
and maybe you never want to see me again
but im sorry
im sorry
im sorryyy
the fear of being a newbie
basically if theres one thing i hate more than anything
its not being able to feel proud of my work
and thats the whole thing about sucking at something/
doing it scared that i hate its that like i cant
feel proud of it, or i feel like just like a little kid
playing with their stupid legos while like the actually experienced
guys go and have fun and the progress is so slow i feel like
im doing it wrong but no i just have to keep making dumb stupid
stuff and it feels terrible and
especially with all the people who've been doing this stuff for
like years like i know that normal (not insane) people look at
that and are all "oh man theyve been doing it for so long
of course theyre better and there was a time that they sucked
too" and get motivated and stuff i wish i could be like that
for me its more "oh man theyve been doing this 10 years
that- i dont even know if i'll still be doing this in 10
years and what if i never get that good and oh god how will i
ever be able to compete with that even if i do keep at it for
10 years then theyll have done it for 20!!!! and like i just
wish i could like be ,more, like i didnt worry about it like
a normal person like i could just go make stuff and not worry
about how bad it is and feel panicked and beg people for help
and make them hate me over and over and over and i could just
write, or like draw, or whatever
the only field that this doesnt apply to is like coding bc
i have beein doing it for 10 years and stuff but like
i wish i could take as much pride in my own stuff as i do in theirs
but like not in a stealing way
doing it scared why cant i do it scared
whyyyyyyyyy
and the planning is just making me more stressed
why is my brain like this help
how do i just go
i cant im just being cringy im just
this whole thing will be a disaster
creativity, spontaneousness, and sandboxes (why i suck at all of it)
i always have an issue with sandboxes, and that's this
I NEED SOME KIND OF DIRECTION.
like, the "fear of the blank canvas" also applies to sandbox
games and a little bit webdevelopment?
like i cant just DO something i have to have an idea first and
some kinda plan and its also really hard i feel like to make
something i actually connect with in these and seeing how
effortlessly other people can just do stuff is frustrating
and makes me want to play them even less and it just repeats
same with something like the everyone site on melonland, i feel
like i have to make something of value but cant
i know its the self confidence piece it always is i just cant
do a leap of faith and try to make something silly im sorry
Did you know that often, "deleting" something
on a computer doesn't actually delete it? All it does
is remove the entry on the disk telling the computer
"hey, there's data here", and that its free to overwrite
from a technical standpoint its more efficient, obviously
why waste time zeroing out a section when it'll be overwritten
with data anyways?
i feel like theres some symbolic meaning there, though...
like, data (experience) is meaningless without direction..
or like how neglecting a part of you will cause it to become
more repressed and stuff...like me...
theres something there, ok?
Wow, a palindrome day! I was intensly confused
this morning because I woke up at like 5am and thought my
watches date display turned into a table
(the font makes 1's look like lowecase l's)
anyways so after the youtube free thing ive been starting
to listen to music more, more specifically the stuff from
Hypnospace Outlaw, which I am currently hyperfixated on its
such a good awesome game and I adore ittttt
art as the reflection of yourself
yes i know thats a generic title but idk
i really want to express myself here
thoughts are hard to make clear
i feel like this site really isnt me
idk how to express it more
inconvenience is inconvenience, and i don't understand why
people aim for it. on one hand, yes the art implications stuff
not being able to see everything is frustrating though
i want people to like my site
whats the point of putting time into something but
actively roadblocking people from seeing it??
i dont know, maybe its just my weird obsession
with having my stuff liked, but i dont get it
and yes i do think melons forum should be open on mondays
I'm finally commiting to things!
I managed to force myself to do the "No youtube november"
challenge from the melonforums, and it has made me feel
more willing to work on the website some
i feel like every single problem i've ever
had in the creative space can be boiled down
into this image:
like, if i could just shut the frick up and
"do it scared" i could get something done but
i just have to try and force someone "successful"
to help when i feel like im failing and
it doesnt fix the problem of being scared to fail and
ill eventually annoy them to the point they hate me again
for creative stuff especially i feel like im falling
into the trap of making the same kind of character, or
like being unable to write a different perspective (or at all)
i KNOW if I JUST SAT DOWN and WROTE i could EVENTULLY make someting PASSABLE but my STUPID BRAIN just gets PARALYZED at the SLIGHTEST HINT OF RESISTANCE and i just run to SOMEONE ELSE to GET ME TO DO IT I
im sorry for all the negativity here but im trying to
be more vulnerable here and this is how i am
its really cool seeing such a wide range of
states that people visit from, even if i never
get to talk to them just seeing that is cool
back here again, i guess
being scared of things seems to be my entire driving force huh
i wish it wasnt but its the only thing that reliably motivates
me to do anything but lay around and be pathetic and waste time
scared that if i stopped doing art id never start again
or people would forget me
id just be another face, nice to talk to but gone instantly
i already tried this stupid journal thing three times and
deleted everything or gave up because it was just me whining
and being a stupid little edgy teen because my life is literally
just uni and discord/stupid frking forums and who wants to read
about that "oh i went to school it was uneventful then i went
online and talked with people about nothing like the last 500
entries" i dont know what to do
sorry for another negative entry but again barely anything
happens here
Wow, a whole month before I tore down the
journal page again!! cool, huh??
now i get what people mean with "teenage mood swings"
i left the last article so i have something
to reference to copy this properly
these journals keep getting either
too negative or fall into disuse because
my life is incredibly boring besides like
talking about what i did online which would
make me sound like a really sad person and stuff
also my hyperfixations got me into trouble again
i really wish i could either be normal and not
obsess over real disorders people actually deal with
(DiD/pluralness) or just actually have it so i can feel
justified in being so interested and like be able to
interact with the community better and stuff and also in general
not have social anxiety and ok its getting too negative again
would it be wrong to say i want to inflict myself with it
hey, im back its been a while
still dealing with stuff and college
idk how im feeling really
